him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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Pantibros before pantihose?
Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.
-the local news
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”
Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on