Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
an airline just for babies.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I think this cat is broken
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one