Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

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him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing


Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news



CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink


Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME


First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”


Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.


Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.


[being chased round my house by a murderer]


ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on