@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

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@julietactually

him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@TheToddWilliams

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

@Mike_Bianchi

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

@Rlpihl

First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”

@delusions_of

Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.

@bartandsoul

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on