@TrainedHedonist: Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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@BuckyIsotope: [I time travel and bring back Shakespeare] SHAKESPEARE: What’s this? ME: That’s a meme SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
@kyry5: The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
@3sunzzz: *carrying dog* Clerk: no pets allowed Me: *closes eyes* It's my seeing eye dog. C: You tried that last week. M: IT'S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
@NewDadNotes: Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark. Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it. Daughter: Me: [turns off light] goodnight. The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?