Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise