Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.


[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick


I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.


People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.


Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.


“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth


When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”


Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.


Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?


When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.