I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
You Might Also Like
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.