Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
smh
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”