“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Called it
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I wish this was real life…
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.