*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.