card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.