card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.