Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage

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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.


[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*


You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.


[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you


Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.



Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant


I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.