@gavinmind

Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage

You Might Also Like

@mikeleffingwell

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

@Pumpkinbabypie

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

@KizerBillhelm

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

@robdelaney

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

@better_off_dad2

My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant

@realHamOnWry

I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.