Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Great game to play with friends
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
That de-escalated quickly
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron