I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
where the womens at?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.