Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
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liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.