Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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Sunday
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
definitely did not do anything wrong
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here