TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”
“Nailed it. Next state.”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Wings are the leading cause of bird flew
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.