@Tommytoughstuff

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

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@scorpiusryan21

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@jazmasta

Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

@mommajessiec

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

@Brampersandon_

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

@withanewname

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

@mrtruthandsoul

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation