@Tommytoughstuff

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

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@chuuew

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

@Sickayduh

“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”

“I…uhhh… Wha?”

“Nailed it. Next state.”

@iwearaonesie

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

@twilightsthorn

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

@ObscureGent

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

@ClichedOut

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

@16bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@BoomBoomBetty

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.