[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
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Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*