Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

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Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.

How do you apologize properly for something like that?


My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist


Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever



ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*


Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?


[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside


*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*


Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.


Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]