Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling