It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas