@SirEviscerate

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

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@LaLa_Lyds

2020
It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence

@EmSlyce

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

@momjeansplease

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

@shatterpants

When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.

@addamschloe

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

@Whitnuts

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

@Its_Miss_Riss

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

@Try2StopME

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

@PoonWhisperer1

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

@electrolemon

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas