Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

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It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence


Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!


BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in


When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.


thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her




Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.


If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.


The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed


independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas