@Michabean

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

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@causticbob

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

@BrassBallsCJ

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

@BuckyIsotope

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

@Deirdreocx

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

@Tmoney68

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

@jrza84

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

@StinkyGr33n

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”