Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

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AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series


Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.


I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song


my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”


Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.


[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?


[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak


My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.