Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*pronounces fake like saké*
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Monday
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated