Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.


If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.


Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.


My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.


some dude asked if i wanted him to bon me and i thought he was talking about Cinnabon so i said yes and he sent me a photo of his genitals and now i know he made a typo and i shouldn’t be on twitter when i’m hungry.


She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?


Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?


My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.