@SCbchbum

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

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@Leemanish

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

@shita3yosays

Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?

@_The_Man__

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

@JumbledButts

*puts a DVD of ‘Frozen’ and a DVD of ‘Dante’s Peak’ into the same DVD player*

*’Waterworld’ starts playing*

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

@silent_musings

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

@WowItsStephen

Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.