Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*puts a DVD of ‘Frozen’ and a DVD of ‘Dante’s Peak’ into the same DVD player*
*’Waterworld’ starts playing*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.