@SCbchbum

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

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@Tbone7219

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@chuuew

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@WilliamAder

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

@om_eye_goodness

some dude asked if i wanted him to bon me and i thought he was talking about Cinnabon so i said yes and he sent me a photo of his genitals and now i know he made a typo and i shouldn’t be on twitter when i’m hungry.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.