Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
BRO LMFAO
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.