Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
The old gods are rising again.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sign at work today
plums roundup
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.