*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
sistine chapel
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Lmao 🤣
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.