*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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me
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The point of your 20s
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?