I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.