Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
You Might Also Like
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Something Saturday.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
The internet is full of many things
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark