(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Ferrari squats
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east