Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Parenting is cool…
I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*sees McChicken video*
*goes back to church*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.