@joe_binkley

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

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@Sarcasticsapien

Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.

@TomE83_

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

@LRenceFivvens

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

@ThatBrenna

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

@xLiserx

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

@DomBorrett

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

@ryanbroems

*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*

@ericsshadow

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.