Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
You Might Also Like
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break