Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.