In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.