Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
grotesque if literal: baby food
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window