Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Europe. Made in Germany.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair