Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
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Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
constantly working on myself.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Most fashion shows these days…
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s