@TheBoydP

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

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@ediblemousefeet

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

@Nikky_Gin

Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth

@mstern68

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

@Book_Krazy

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

@blitz2six

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

@cydbeer

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

@ChicksRule

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

@archerenemy

Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…

@iGreenMonk

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!