[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
😆this is so true
the world’s most popular steaming services
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I feel this so hard
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord