Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Comparing yourself to others
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
That’s it.I’m out.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment