I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.