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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*