date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
It be like that sometimes 😆
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.