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@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

@bombsydoll

Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.

@yerpalmildsauce

WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher
ME: in the what now
*a metallic voice sings out: ?? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ????? ????*

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@RunOldMan

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

@CantWaitToNap

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

@HenpeckedHal

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@TomSchally

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.