Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
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anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Cause of death: Zumba
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back