Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha