@JimmerThatisAll

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

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@cervixsmash

Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet

@murrman5

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

@EndhooS

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

@MandiAtRandom

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

@david8hughes

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

@Sanbel11

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

@thetigersez

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

@KeetPotato

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

@sensualgifs

when you’re sick of dropping subtle hints to the guy you like and getting no where