Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Smile Twitter, Smile.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.