Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
when you’re sick of dropping subtle hints to the guy you like and getting no where
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”