CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
What personal space?
My dog
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more