I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You Might Also Like
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I didn’t know Sony was hiring.
Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.