[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts