Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.


I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..


Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive


Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.


I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!


Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.