[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
this article brought to you by lions
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁