*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
repaired
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion