Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.