@dave_cactus

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

- @dave_cactus

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@JoParkerBear

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

@ItsAndyRyan

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@david8hughes

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

@canadian_jane

I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.

@kelly__le

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

@crissymilazzo

yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing