Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you
[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The subway is flooded? WHAT ABOUT THE NINJA TURTLES?!
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled
WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything
GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.