*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this