Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
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Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
Husband: I brought you flowers
Me: what did you do?
Husband: and a necklace
Me: oh god, it must be bad!
Husband: and some chocolates
Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
Tell your friends”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Me:  I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me:  last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*