Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall