@OhNoSheTwitnt

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

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@Death_Buddy

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

@ohpeetie

[ new burger joint ]

Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town

Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup

Me: *leaves*

@AaronFullerton

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

@Eightinchgoat

Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

@gitson_shiggles

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

@weinerdog4life

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

@sistersurf

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

@caithuls

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok