Cartman: Respect my
a a
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.